They stay in my head. They have parties and sometimes laugh at my expense. Their conversations last forever and their behavior haunts me. It does. My youngest sister read my last post. Some might have thought that it was nothing but… it freaked her out. I felt kind of bad. Putting a bad image in her head. Granted she’s an adult but she’s soft, not like Olivia. Nobody in our family or that I know of is like Olivia. She’s a work of fiction. When I confessed to my sister that it freaked me out as well, she was like What? How can something you’re writing freak you out? How can it have any kind of effect on you? I must be delusional… insane. Yes. I’m insane in the brain. Unfortunately, Olivia has pretty much made herself at home in my head. To be honest, it frightens me, how quickly she popped into my head. I’ve already come up with the rest of the novel. Which will make my Niece happy (she’s a fan of the genre and currently my biggest/only fan), but I’m terrified of the story line, the details that have evolved in my head. I’ll likely post another dark episode at some point but I won’t novel it. I’ll keep it flash.
They love me. At least I feel they do. They treat me with respect, although sometimes they don’t listen to me and I won’t dare tell Olivia what to do. No way! But for the most part, it’s nice. I have buddies and if I want to dream a nice dream, I can. They fulfill my every wish. I guess I’m a puppet master that way. I can’t think of a better example. I produce fictional prose and therefore control everything. (Cue evil genius laughter.) I don’t dare call myself a writer yet though. I’ve too much to learn still. But I do enjoy having that creative control where no one can tell you what to do (except the buddies in my head). Anyway, I have mostly nice characters in my head because I love romance. I love, love. So, they are sweet, kind and loving. They do have some problems though. They wouldn’t be interesting otherwise. But for the most part my pictures are grey with some kind of rainbow at the end… sometimes. Sometimes I’ll be shocked at the end or confused. Why did you do that! They don’t answer me. They just lovingly go along with their lives. And I… I go along for the ride.
I fall in love with them, admire them. For a while I had a crush on one of my handsome leading men. I would become this shy girl in the corner just staring at him for days. He would look back at me and smile, a gorgeous smile but I never told him about it. (Don’t tell my hubby). To this day I never revealed the crush to him. I’m over him now. He comes around sometimes and says hi but he doesn’t have the same effect on me as he used to. I send him right back to his wife. She’s lovely. Sometimes I admire them deeply. I become a fan of how they handle their lives and how strong they are. I sigh when the thoughts flood my head with these beautiful soul-less souls. They’re glorious.
Gosh! Listening to Rhodes’ “Your Soul”. He’s one of my favorite artists. I feel like he’s talking to me when I hear some of his songs. I connect a lot with the lyrics sometimes. Melodic heaven. His voice… it makes me dream. So nice.
Is there something wrong with me? Am I doing the right thing, bringing these creatures to life? These beings without… life. Is it necessary to my existence? Maybe. I thought I was fine without them but now I feel, invigorated, alive in a why I wasn’t before. I’ve unleashed them all and they cradle me, take care of me and though they may not agree with me at times, they’re a part of me in a way nothing else will ever be. They don’t replace the loves in my life. Never. I love my real loves till the end. But my characters, they know my secrets, my dreams, my desires and they let me be free in a world away from my reality. I’m grateful to them for that. Multiple personality disorder 101? Perhaps or… maybe it’s just… the real me.
(Dedicating Rhodes’ “Love Live On” to all my characters. You know who you are.)