Matl-ism — Damn this brain!

I haven’t seen Joseph yet today. He and Marcus had zero hour for athletics. They came in at seven in the morning for that. I’m hoping he’ll notice I’m complying with his request. My hair is down, wilder and more frazzled than usual. Pamela makes a comment about it laughing. I don’t care because Joseph is walking this way with Marcus on their way to Ethics class and I’m standing right in the doorway of the girls’ locker room waiting for Deb to come out. Big sigh… gosh! He can wear a school uniform like no one else! Marcus frowns jokingly at me but Joseph… he smiles and bites his lip.

Damn him! I don’t smile back turning towards the water fountain. He brushes slightly against the side of my jacket. We don’t touch but we’re so close. And boy… does it drive me crazy! Then, he runs back and leans down for a drink in front of me. When he looks up again we lock eyes. It’s so intense! Like a magician he slips his right hand into my right hand. He gives me a quick squeeze and disappears passed me into the crowd. Swoon!

Ruelle – “Where do we go from here”

God… he drives me crazy. I mean… I sure don’t feel like a child with this behavior. I’m in my bubble looking out. Everything is in slow motion. I’m deaf to everything around me. I leave Pamela rambling on about Homecoming as I walk into the girls’ locker room and into a stall. I catch my breath. My jacket… off. Look up… at the pale dull ceiling. Another deep breath explodes. I’m burning up. It feels like something branding me with hot coals from within. Flustered… yeah… that’s the word. Damn puberty! He provokes such a reaction in me. I’m thinking all these feelings, these sensations, should at least render one pubic hair. At least that’s what I’m hoping for. These strong feelings feel like such a death… a feeling like it’s the end. Passion… desire? But I hope I don’t die before I get to have sex with Joseph. I’d hate to miss that. Damn this brain!

“Matl? Are you okay girl?”

Deb asks with a knock on the stall door that is loud as hell as it startles me from my heated trans. Her red hair neatly pulled back into a pony tail. The few freckles on her face complement her hazel eyes. She smiles shaking her head oblivious to the provoked eruption of heat under my skin.

“Matl! I think I’ll faint if I see Marcus again! He is so cute! I can’t believe he doesn’t have a girlfriend! He’s cuter than any boy at this school!”

Pamela starts now…

“Matl! You think your parents will let you sleep over the weekend after your birthday party? Or maybe I can sleep over…”

Blah, blah, blah, blah… I keep walking as they trail me. I’m not here. I could care less about anything else. Trans walking towards Math class. The warning bell sounds and I see Angel. I see him but I don’t acknowledge him. He holds his hand up for a high five. I don’t respond. I’m numb, lost in the clouds with Joseph. The crowd rushing to class fading out into rubbish. Nothing else matters. Fluff… all meaningless fluff. I have such a fever… Joseph running through my veins. No more blood in my brain. Joseph.

Damn Deb and Pamela! They’re such children blabbing about how gorgeous Marcus and Angel are! I’m so glad they’re clueless about Joseph and me though. I don’t need their immature comments adding to my ordeal. Kill me over, and over, and over again. Chop me up into little pieces and sprinkle me on a bed of ice. Let me freeze there until I don’t feel anything. That is the only way to stop this volcanic caramel flowing in me.


Some Kind of Heaven

© 2017 Mel Gutiér

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