100 DoRaM: Day 9 – A song that saves me

My heart is racing. My mind in chaos. How is it possible to be affected so deeply by a song?

But I am. I am so affected by it. It aches sometimes and I feel like crying. I’m a very romantic person, very emotional. I swallow everything. I consume it until it overwhelms me like a drug addict I suppose. I get overly excited and feel like screaming. When something touches me, it knocks me down. I love it with a passion. I breathe it with an anxiety that cuts my guts open. It’s emotional porn. Agitating the thread inside me until it’s knotted up. I’m torn and in love and everything in between. It just takes me over. It rapes me, killing me with pleasure.

I can’t explain how excited I can become sometimes. It’s an overwhelming enthusiasm that could very well be madness. I am mad I suppose. Mad in the worse way. Saying things, I shouldn’t, opening my soul up for all to see. It isn’t like me. I sing, I dance, I act out, by myself in my room for only me. I write for only me. My dreams to myself. What’s happening to me now?

I never had this. I never existed but to cook, clean, do laundry, work like a drone, and work some more. Pulled here, pulled there… go here, go there, do this, do that. I was just that but not myself. Peeled that away and stored it. Finding myself a stranger thing –a more interesting thing, a thing of wonder. Here I am. Am I right in this? Do I have a right to be me? I would normally say… no. That would be wrong and selfish of me. Self-deprecating? Maybe… yes.

It’s extraordinary to me that I could be so self-critical like that. I’m not depressed or anything. So why do I do it? I’m quoting the amazing Jac Forsyth from the comments of Day 8, “…Man, humans are complex creatures. We live in a constant state of paradox, we think we’re looking for approval, but we’re really seeking out rejection.” Am I seeking out rejection? Have I been doing that all this time? The thing is I never really thought about being rejected until I started to exist. Exist here, in this wonderful place. A virtual place that is more real to me than anything I’ve ever had in my life, that is only about me. I exist only for me here. It’s selfish, it’s lonely sometimes, because although I have support and love, there is also misunderstanding. I’m likely misunderstood by those that love me so. Perhaps that’s why I might be seeking out rejection as Jac says. If receive enough rejection, maybe… maybe I’ll go back where I belong. Where it’s safe.  Back to the mundanity of a life that had no direction until now.

NO! I don’t want to. I don’t want to.

Music. It is the thing that keeps me away from that mundanity, that surreal that bumps you out. I’ve swallowed the red pill and I’m here to stay.

Now… this magical place where the lifelines from elsewhere converge, has brought me a unique gift in a friendship that I was not aware could be possible. I can’t really say when I met her but when I visited her blog, I dissected it. It was cheerful and light-hearted but then as I continued to investigate, she punched me in the guts. She pulled out my insides and made me ache with surprise. Yes… she has balls of steel. I’ve read them in action. Maria, Super Wife and Mummy, (which most of you already know) is an extraordinary poet but were you aware that she is also an amazing singer?  She messed me up the first time I heard her.  I wanted so much to share the privilege she gave me with everyone.  And what can I say?  I managed to get her to do it.  (It wasn’t hard.  She’s got a big head too.)(Insert winky face here.)

I won’t say much more except to thank her for giving me permission to use this humble blog to thrust her into the belly of fame. Because she is amazing. And my ears have been buttered up, and are so in love with her voice.  It’s in Greek and it’s incredible. It is Maria’s voice not mine. I can’t do this. But she slays! She slays with a delicious voice that saves me.

English song title and lyrics

“It’s your Fault”

There goes tonight…
Tomorrow I’m leaving
and with the first airplane
I’m going away,

Far away,
So as not love you

It’s your fault that you brought me here.
It’s your fault that you taught me how to live
There goes that

and now I
will dream that with an empty airplane
I’m going away
I’m flying away
So as not love you.

 

48 thoughts on “100 DoRaM: Day 9 – A song that saves me

  1. superwifeandmummy

    I am printing put this comment and keeping it! I love it so much! You’re hilarious.
    Yes, Mel is a gift and a treasure and a talent and a mystery and I feel so lucky to know her. And now you. I felt every word and I thank you so much. I’m glad you liked the song. I loved the Greek version before Mel suggested this song so it’s a wonderful piece of serendipity that it worked out this way. I should thank HER because I haven’t sang in front of an audience for over 2 years and she gave this to me…that same feeling in a small way.
    I’m so happy you’re here and I’ve we’ve connected. .I feel you’re very special .

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Dang. Mel, your writing always rips my heart out. Now you add the haunting beauty of Maria’s voice into the mix. It’s a wonder I can still type.
    I’m pretty sure you’re right about rejection keeping us safe. It confirms what we always knew, that we’re not good enough as we are.
    From what I know of the complexities of my own mind, we also go seeking out rejection because it’s also what we fear the most. Looking for movement in the forest sort of thing. Approval is fleeting and leaves behind no lasting satisfaction because it’s not what we’re looking for.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Sometimes we seek out rejection because we think someone will leave eventually anyway, and at least this will end on our terms, when we’re ready. The sad thing is that sometimes the rejection is a self-fulfilling prophesy. We’re causing the thing we think will happen without our input.
    It takes someone sticking around and patiently waiting for us to notice they’re not going anywhere.
    I am not going anywhere!
    You’re writing is fantastic, and you’re fantastic. I couldn’t leave that.
    And this growing little group is so uplifting, it’s amazing – and you’re a huge part of that.

    Maria sings like an angel!

    Otherwise, Nini said it all much better than I have.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. This post was so fantastically written, so raw and honest…and then ending with Maria’s equally incredible singing. I wish I could experience it for the first time all over again! Bravo to you, the author, and Maria, the singer! 💙💚💛💜🖤❤

    Liked by 2 people

  5. I have been left with my mouth hanging open. As always Mel your words should be in books (of the published variety) somewhere. With every post you continue to grow and become better. How can that be possible? I haven’t a clue, I mean what even comes after Wonder Woman status? I am so glad you didn’t take the blue pill this place wouldn’t be the same without you.
    And @superwifeandmummy is there nothing you can not do? Once again your super powers pulled the rug right out from under me. Your voice is positively enchanting and accompanied by the words you sang, it took my breath away. Even without the lyric translation I was a goner. You captured me.
    Can both of you ladies please leave something for the rest of us? *slams hands on table* How do us mere mortals even stand a chance!? *flips table and exits room*
    *walks back into the room* I want to take a picture with the both of you and get your autographs. But only if need to stand in the middle 😉

    Liked by 2 people

  6. superwifeandmummy

    My lovely Mel. I haven’t got the right words to express how much I love and appreciate and adore what you’ve done and said here. I feel the same way about you- I don’t know when it happened but we’re friends and I can’t imagine a day going by without being in touch with you.
    Thank you for everything you’ve said here and for always showing us who you are, your heart and soul. Never ever change. You are the best.
    With love, M
    X

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You made me cry! Love you!

      I feel the same way!

      Going on date with hubby, my makeup is all runny now.

      Thank you for the joy you’ve brought to me. Your friendship means a lot to me.

      Thank you from deep iny soul. I’m am blessed with you as my friend!

      Liked by 1 person

  7. superwifeandmummy

    Reblogged this on Life, Family, Good Food and commented:
    The beautiful, passionate, talented Mel at Fiction in My Head has begun a series called 100 Day of Reflection and Music. While all her writing is special and intoxicating (if you are not reading and following her blog, YOU MUST ) today’s post is especially close to my heart and I had to share it with you.
    I thank her deeply and I know you’ll all fall in love with her.

    Like

  8. Wow, Mel, that was amazing, I’m standing on the corner of datk street, it’s 9.00 pm, and I’m catching a bus back home, had a few beers, it’s Friday night. I’m totally moved by your beautiful words for our Maria, and her singing voice is exquisite. The kids wizzing past on their skateboards look at me as if I’m crazy, but that’s ok, they’ve got a lot of life to live yet.😐. On the bus now, and heading home to Lily, you girls are “Absolutely Fabulous” xx

    Liked by 2 people

      1. I love a distant ship!!!! I can’t believe I can’t leave my print on it. I’ve tried three times. I’ve tried going to your site and still.

        But know this lovely man!!! I am so touched by this post. The song! It’s perfect! The pic… PERFECT! Dreamy altered state, memories… “leaning on each other”.

        You’re a gift! Love ya!

        Liked by 2 people

      2. Thanks Mel, your such a charmer, and I’ve read lots and of poetry over the years, I suppose my style is very much Leonard Cohen’ish …… My computer is very busy at the moment, lots of stuff coming my way, I’ll turn off and restart, see if that helps you x

        Liked by 2 people

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