100 DoRaM: Day 17 – The darkest part of me

Am I really going to do 100 of these things? I keep expecting my brain to crack.

I don’t plan what I write. I don’t outline anything really. The only time I’ll do an outline is when I have several characters involved or when the ideas are many and I don’t want to forget. Currently my brain is in vampire mode. The vampires are invading my brain. They’re strong right now. I really hope they stick around because I need to bring out some Vampira. I have the whole story all figured out but the flesh is lacking and I don’t ever plan the flesh. I’m waiting for it to bleed out naturally, organically. I have a clear image in my head about it. I’ll eventually just start typing or writing in my journal. That’s normally my preferred method. Gosh! I’m so crazy. I don’t like the blood, the gore. I don’t. I do, however, like to explore my head that way. How can I write the sweet stuff and then turn to blood and madness? Weird, no outline required.

Oooh… they’re twisting me up. I’m hurting and stuff is happening. Skinning people… I have no idea how Olivia does it. But she does. Berkley… he’s passionate, lost. I’m trying to picture Clover ever looking like a normal human being. I can’t. I’m beginning to scare myself with these thoughts. I don’t really like it. But I don’t mind the brilliance of thought that makes your psyche go nuts. Your mind is your torture chamber I suppose. I’m actually closing my eyes right now. I can’t stomach what Olivia did to Paul. I can’t. I have no idea where that came from. I don’t watch the stuff. I’m not interested in reading it unless it’s a classic of some sort. The brain is powerful, though. It’s a world I can’t explain. I just have to let it coagulate slowly. Ugh! My head is killing me right now. (Where’s my happy thought?)

I never thought about writing the vampires. (I’ve posted about this before.) It just happened. Now tonight. They’re staring at me, begging me. God help me with such thoughts. I will eventually listen to them and they’ll survive another post to tell their story. I’m lucky I’m still alive with all of this. My poor man stares at me in wonder. I read him the end of Survival one night. He did a double take on me. I started to laugh because quite honestly, it was as if someone else wrote it, not I. So funny. It does feel a little like that. Like it’s not me writing but someone else. I have to detach myself because, one… it’s not real. Two… it’s vampires, blood, sex, gore. I’m closing my eyes trying not to see what’s in my head. I can’t un-see it though. They’re here. They’re a part of me, whether intended it to happen or not.

My characterizations are real to me. So there, I do like to go. In that sense I love my vampires. I know them, they’re like my children. I feel bad for them even though they do inexplicable acts of torture and they lust over each other like children after sugar. I really don’t think I’m making any sense in this but I just wanted to say, and I’m not apologizing for my deranged frame of my mind right now, (I’m just thinking out loud) that I don’t believe my brain sometimes because it’s not me. Then again, the darkness must be in me somehow. It is me, the darkest part of me.

Of course there is music to support my madness.  I don’t think I could manage without it.  It keeps me sane in my own insanity.  I love Ruelle’s sweet voice against the dark, gothic sounds.  This is one of my favorites and I think it’s quite appropriate given my state of mind right now.

Love y’all.

Thanks so much for reading and listening.

 

15 thoughts on “100 DoRaM: Day 17 – The darkest part of me

  1. You’re one of the most complex people I’ve ever met, and therefore one of the most interesting and one of the people I’m drawn to the most. Every facet of you is glimmering and interesting, and I can’t help but look at it and marvel. And DC. And that i know you’ll get that joke is yet another reason I love you.
    So keep writing what’s in your head, whatever it is. They’ve all been trapped long enough! Share your creations with us. I’ll read and follow always. 🙂
    You’re awesome!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. superwifeandmummy

    Beautiful. Each post opens up another window into this mind of yours. I love the view.
    These vampires, they’re a part of you of something else that needs to be extricated. I understand. I was thinking about this just 20 minutes ago and I’ll share it with you . Not that I’m comparing any of my ‘dark’ stuff to your genius vampires but, I never ever used to allow myself to think about or especially write about anything dark. Never. Call it superstition or paranoia or childhood fears. I was blocking it out like a champ. Then one day recently I thought, wait…it’s not only that I’m not letting these thoughts in, it’s also that I’m not letting it come out. And by doing that I was stifling a part of me. And now, I’m feeling things that I can tell you I haven’t felt since I was 19, 20 yrs old. Mental, emotional, sexual freedom. It’s overwhelming. All because I released a little bit of darkness. I feel that this is what this is with you but to an enormous degree because I’m not writing books over here! You may not like it but do you really want it living inside your head?
    Exactly.
    You’re brilliant and I send you love from my heart
    ♥♥♥❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Maria… What are you doing to me!!!!
      I love your beautiful. You have no idea! I’m often self critical. But lately, with these 100 days, I’m allowing myself to just be.

      You’re a big part of that. That bit that allows me to be me.

      And I love your footprint on my blog.

      I love how you affect me. I’ve never had such a friend! That is the truth because I never allowed it. You buttered me up.

      When I first read your poetry, I was overwhelmed with how warm it made me feel. As I read more, you were intense and it was as if you were in sync with my soul. Your passion!

      This darkness is a part of that. I mean we’re not alive without these feelings. That’s why you’re characterization of Chloe was so powerful! She is real to me even in her death and now the possibility of knowing how she grew up… I’m so in love with that idea.

      I love so much. I didn’t think that I could love a friend like that.

      XXXXXX

      Like

      1. superwifeandmummy

        I feel the same agapi

        So if I’ve left a footprint on your blog, does that mean you’ve left a thousand, piercing vampire bites on mine??
        ♥♥♥♥♥

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Oh, Mel, I so adore the way you have “real” fictitious characters, how you love your Vampires. It’s so very special that you’ve the ability to express your dark-side, it’s truly a great talent to explore within yourself and delve into your subconscious unknown. We all have a bit of a dark-side, but most of us never let our darkness see the light of day !! And as always, i love your choice of music. Scom xx

    Liked by 1 person

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