This post was my very first post, June 19, 2017. I cried a lot while I was writing it. It was difficult for me to stop crying even after I wrote it. Not only the idea that I was going to publish my words for others to read but the idea of me daring to change the course of my life with this blog, was daunting. Add the memory of my sister, whose passing opened up the flood gates for me and there was a tsunami explosion inside me.
It’s only been a few months but it feels like forever. I can’t believe how much my mind has given way to other dreams. It’s incredible.
A little background. My novel was called M.A.T.L. and now it’s called Some Kind of Heaven and has been sliced in half. Part 1 almost ready. Part 2 will follow soon after.
This for me is a milestone because I’ve changed a lot since this post. I’m more open, a little wilder, maybe smarter. I know I’m grateful.
Music. It has helped support my crazy mind for years. I’ve been obsessed with music since I was a young child. Anything I heard, I tucked away and created stories in my head to match the songs. I was… I had a good childhood but it wasn’t perfect and during those stubbly times music provided me some escape. Yeah… I made a lot of mix tapes back in the day. (My Pen-Pal can attest to a couple of good ones.) Making believe was one of my favorite pass times. It was also my way of dealing. I’m not crazy. Okay, so I’m crazy but not in the insane asylum way. Just in the fun quirky way. I think. I mean I’m happily married, three kids and a semi perfect life. It’s good, sometimes very good and sometimes not so much. But that’s life. Right? Life has a very bizarre way of showing you the ropes. Sometimes I don’t like it. Sometimes I suck it up. I deal. But on other occasions, I listen to music and I write. Currently the soothing philosophical voice of Lo-Fang is caressing my ears. Wanted some inspiration to start this blog and introduce my very first novel. He seemed perfect and here I am. This is pouring out of me. Whether or not it makes any sense is inconsequential. I don’t care. I just know that what is currently in my head, needs to come out somehow. Violins and percussions dancing in my mind like wildflowers in the wind. In case you’re wondering, I’m listening in loop to Lo-Fang’s #88. Melodic bliss.
Okay. Back to the business at hand. My very first novel. It’s a complex story, how I got to write MATL, but I will do my best to narrow it down to the more important bits. Bits. I like that word so please don’t judge its repetition within this literary chaos. Around three years ago one of my sisters passed. I have… I had four sisters. I’m the oldest and she, my butterfly, was number three. She was gone too soon and while everyone had their way of coping, I couldn’t really. There was much to worry about and I couldn’t process without hurting or falling apart. It stung me in a big way. I had to find balance and I couldn’t breathe because I had to provide support. Others were counting on me and I had to suck it up. I felt I had to. Nobody knew this really but I was falling apart inside and I didn’t know what to do. Faced with regret for not having been there enough for her, for not being smart enough to know what to do, how to have helped her when she was alive. It was hard. I mean “Kill me now!” hard. I’m crying as I’m writing because I’m remembering her smile and it hurts knowing I can’t see her again. She’s gone. She’s gone from life but still in my heart. Still smiling in my mind. Her strong voice lecturing me at times, loving me in friendship at times. My baby sister. My sweet baby sister. I miss her. So… I started journaling to cope. That is how this all began. A story developed in my head. A young woman in college suffering from the loss of her mother. She became real to me. Love. Loss. They go together. That’s life. That character grew into a novel, a love story, which then grew into a novel in trilogy. I was like… can I do this? Can I really make this happen? The characters became real in my head. I’m living with them now. They comfort me and sooth me. They put their arms around me when I need them. Yes. Sometimes I talk to them. So, call me crazy. I’m fine with it. A writer’s quirk. Well I wouldn’t call myself a writer… yet.
So, no, that is not my first novel. Okay stop! If you haven’t heard of Lo-Fang’s cover of Creep, you must stop reading and search it up because it is Heaven! Back to the blog… MATL. It’s coming soon. At the moment, I’m still editing. “Kill me now!” It is a freaking long process this! Writing a novel is lonely and time consuming. I’m done though. The story is finished. The editing on the other hand, that is an entirely different matter. I was so naïve about the writing process. Kind of like “write it and it shall publish itself” kind of thing. I mean there are like a zillion self-publishing companies. And by the way, I think they are all in Indiana. I did some research and they all seem to sprout there. My guess is that they are all working together under different names and processes. Each one owned probably by the same brain company. Insanely and childishly I went straight to one and almost gave my life away. Expensive. They charge you and make you promises, but you still have to do all the work. Didn’t make sense. I had my first dose of publishing reality with one of those. Their critique and advise of my story made me very defensive. I was surprised at how rattled I became. “Too sexually explicit”. I was like “What!” No way did I write that. Well maybe I had. I have… but honestly, it’s the characters saying what they feel. Nothing exactly sexual takes place with the main characters which… okay they’re under age but nothing happens really. Decided to go on my own. OMG… Fang-Lo’s Permutations! Fabulous raping of the senses!
Okay… back tracking a bit. I started writing MATL the summer of 2015. I remember telling my niece one night, she reads a lot of novels and passionately escapes into them, that I could do better than the writer of “Fifty Shades”. Honestly, I hadn’t read the novel (still haven’t), nor was I interested in watching the movie (Saw it finally thanks to her. Only liked a couple of scenes. I love movies. Didn’t feel the actors had chemistry. Kind of ruined it for good for me). I had plenty of them in my head already. My own crazy love stories in movie format but so real to me. (I’m not saying I’m better than E.L. James. I probably suck.) I hate to admit that I’m partially responsible for corrupting my niece even further. I feel bad sometimes for adding to her lovely obsession of escapism. But she became my beacon. She did. I fed her MATL chapter by chapter. ‘A slow drip’ as she called it. It was exciting. Anticipating her reaction was addictive. I felt I was writing only for her sometimes. She fed my ego well. She championed the story. It kept me going. Thank you, Wildflower! So here I am on a late Sunday or rather early Monday in June 2017 around 1:50 am. I should be sleeping because I haven’t quit my day job. I don’t really plan on quitting. I like what I do. But… one day, if the universe sees fit to throw me into the stars and allows me to live among them, I just might quit my day job. It’s a nice dream. Right?
M.A.T.L. is coming soon!
Please comment if you like this blog. I will continue this another time soon. Be gentle though please as this is my very first post. I appreciate your feedback and your support. – Come on! Lo-Fang’s Light Year! Mind blowing!
God bless and have a great whatever y’all! (Yes. I’m from Texas.)