Loss is a part of everyone’s journey. It is a part of mine. It has lead me here. This evening, she was strong on my mind. So strong I broke down several times. It’s a feeling I get every once and a while. I suppose you could say it’s cathartic. It is. I just wish it wasn’t attached to a memory but more a reality of her being still around. Still here, where I could see her smile, hear her voice, and smell her hair when we hug. I miss her. I’m not the only one and I don’t pretend to own her memory for myself but I feel her so deep in me sometimes. I feel I do own her memory just for me. For only I know how much she meant to me and how much I want… I wish I could have been there for her the way she deserved when she was alive.
I Love butterflies. She knew that. One day, my little sister, took a picture of a monarch butterfly traveling around her back yard. She sent it to me. It was a perfect picture. Something out of National Geographic Magazine. I still have it saved in my old phone. I never got rid of it because I have her voicemails and texts saved there. I just want to keep her that way. At least for a little longer. She passed suddenly, without a warning or a sign that it was going to happen. We knew, because she was sick, that if things didn’t change it was possible we would lose her. We just didn’t expect it so soon.
One day she called me from the hospital. She had driven herself there after work because she wasn’t feeling well. That’s when they diagnosed her with a congenital heart disease, Epstein’s Anomaly. She was 23. She had lived a life always getting tired, always out of breath and no one ever found out. Can you imagine a mother’s guilt, a sister’s rage? All her 23 years of life struggling. Open heart surgery gave her new life, no possibility of having children though. She married, adopted some pets, lived a life, full and loving. Fast forward to complications due to the meds, leaving her with short term memory loss and then ten and a half years later, November 10, 2013… she was gone. I… I was gone too. Life.
It was as struggle for me. Nobody knew. Just me. I was dying inside and I was so lost.
Blue. That was her favorite color. Blue everything. Blue car, blue blouse, blue scarf, blue theme for Christmas… it was her. She was festive. Every holiday… celebrated with such passion. Breathe Mel. I have as my symbol in this blogosphere the blue butterfly in her honor. It keeps me going somehow and I don’t look back I just flutter forward and move on because I need to. Her life was my reason for love but her passing… my life was no life. What to do… what? I wrote. I began to journal and it brought me back to life. Sort of.
She used to love to write as well, you see. She had a darkness though and gave it up after a while. She didn’t like the thoughts she had, she said. I kept encouraging her though. I bought her journals. Some had prompts in them. Ah… see that? I remembered tonight about that. She didn’t like them. She preferred a blank page. I realized right before I started writing this post that she’s so deep a part of me, I prefer a blank page too. My anxiety, my physical ache… it’s because of her. At some point, however, I will need to move on because death is a part of life. I will have wasted mine if I continue to this way, fidgeting because of prompts. She lived a full life. I should do the same.
My sister loved Bon Jovi. She was a crazy fanatic. She made her husband grow his hair long because of Bon Jovi. LOL. I do love her so. This song is my favorite song. She told me I would like it and she was right. I want to dedicate it to her. I’m sure she’s listening. She wouldn’t miss anything having to do with Bon Jovi. And I hope… she’s a little proud. I hope she’s happy now, resting peacefully, no more struggling for breath. I love you sis and I thank you for loving me always.
Thank you for reading and for listening.