100 DoRaM: Day 34 – My Blue Butterfly

Loss is a part of everyone’s journey. It is a part of mine. It has lead me here. This evening, she was strong on my mind. So strong I broke down several times. It’s a feeling I get every once and a while. I suppose you could say it’s cathartic. It is. I just wish it wasn’t attached to a memory but more a reality of her being still around. Still here, where I could see her smile, hear her voice, and smell her hair when we hug. I miss her. I’m not the only one and I don’t pretend to own her memory for myself but I feel her so deep in me sometimes. I feel I do own her memory just for me. For only I know how much she meant to me and how much I want… I wish I could have been there for her the way she deserved when she was alive.

I Love butterflies. She knew that. One day, my little sister, took a picture of a monarch butterfly traveling around her back yard. She sent it to me. It was a perfect picture. Something out of National Geographic Magazine. I still have it saved in my old phone. I never got rid of it because I have her voicemails and texts saved there. I just want to keep her that way. At least for a little longer. She passed suddenly, without a warning or a sign that it was going to happen. We knew, because she was sick, that if things didn’t change it was possible we would lose her. We just didn’t expect it so soon.

One day she called me from the hospital. She had driven herself there after work because she wasn’t feeling well. That’s when they diagnosed her with a congenital heart disease, Epstein’s Anomaly. She was 23. She had lived a life always getting tired, always out of breath and no one ever found out. Can you imagine a mother’s guilt, a sister’s rage? All her 23 years of life struggling. Open heart surgery gave her new life, no possibility of having children though. She married, adopted some pets, lived a life, full and loving. Fast forward to complications due to the meds, leaving her with short term memory loss and then ten and a half years later, November 10, 2013… she was gone. I… I was gone too. Life.

It was as struggle for me. Nobody knew. Just me. I was dying inside and I was so lost.

Blue. That was her favorite color. Blue everything. Blue car, blue blouse, blue scarf, blue theme for Christmas… it was her. She was festive. Every holiday… celebrated with such passion. Breathe Mel. I have as my symbol in this blogosphere the blue butterfly in her honor. It keeps me going somehow and I don’t look back I just flutter forward and move on because I need to. Her life was my reason for love but her passing… my life was no life. What to do… what? I wrote. I began to journal and it brought me back to life. Sort of.

She used to love to write as well, you see. She had a darkness though and gave it up after a while. She didn’t like the thoughts she had, she said. I kept encouraging her though. I bought her journals. Some had prompts in them. Ah… see that? I remembered tonight about that. She didn’t like them. She preferred a blank page. I realized right before I started writing this post that she’s so deep a part of me, I prefer a blank page too. My anxiety, my physical ache… it’s because of her. At some point, however, I will need to move on because death is a part of life. I will have wasted mine if I continue to this way, fidgeting because of prompts. She lived a full life. I should do the same.

My sister loved Bon Jovi. She was a crazy fanatic. She made her husband grow his hair long because of Bon Jovi. LOL. I do love her so.  This song is my favorite song. She told me I would like it and she was right. I want to dedicate it to her. I’m sure she’s listening. She wouldn’t miss anything having to do with Bon Jovi. And I hope… she’s a little proud. I hope she’s happy now, resting peacefully, no more struggling for breath. I love you sis and I thank you for loving me always.

Love y’all.

Thank you for reading and for listening.

75 thoughts on “100 DoRaM: Day 34 – My Blue Butterfly

  1. Pingback: 100 DoRaM: Day 70 – Soft to a Jolt – Grateful – Fiction in My Head

  2. Pingback: 100 DoRaM: Day 58 – Remembrance – Fiction in My Head

  3. Pingback: 100 DoRaM: Day 57 – Intense Love – Fiction in My Head

  4. Oh Mel… I feel for you so much. She is in everything you do. I can’t imagine what it feels like. I knew from the first reference to “she” with no context who you meant and why you’ve been a little but quiet. No prompt… Forget all about it. Even if you know why now, it doesn’t take away the pain.
    I am hugging you so hard right now. I am aching for you, and wiping away your tears. 🙅❤😚

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Just beautiful. I had a difficult time reading this, it was overwhelming. I didn’t even see the words, I can almost feel a shade of your pain, almost. It’s unimaginable for me to even think of being in your situation. This was one of the realist things I’ve ever read, and prob one of the most nonsensical comments I’ve ever written. For what words cannot say, I’d be saying more by giving you a huge hug, this is one of those situations. Love you, Mel! You’re the best.

    Liked by 3 people

  6. I’m so sorry, Mel. This is a beautiful post and so this alone will have done her proud let alone the rest of your writing! I’m really bad with knowing what to say in times like this but I am truly sorry for your loss and I think this post will be on my mind for a while.🌹 🤗 <- This is supposed to be a hug, not some badly timed grope! 💖

    Liked by 4 people

  7. I have been trying to reply to this numerous times… tears…my heart was pulled to your blue butterfly when I first saw it. My dad passed from cancer and his favorite color was blue. I never noticed blue butterflies in Michigan until after he passed. The blue swallow tail now shows up often…he is Dad’s way of saying hello. 😊🦋
    Keep your sister close to your heart. She is with you always. Keep her spirit alive by sharing her beauty and gifts. Sending butterfly hugs your way…🦋💚

    Liked by 4 people

    1. I love connections. Thank you for this share. Hugs back! With lots of love. I can’t help but associate butterflies I see with her all the time.

      Life is divinely funny that way. I hope the tears are cathartic. Didn’t want to make anybody sad. It was just strong and I had let it out.

      😚

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I guess I would call them tears of understanding or connecting. I feel your pain and understand. Wishing you sunshine today and fields filled with magical butterflies!🦋💚

        Liked by 2 people

  8. This song.THIS SONG! And that voice. I can’t begin to imagine how you feel and hope that by writing about your sister and how you feel is a healing process for you. And if you need to post more Bon Jovi in memory her, then amen to that. Keep fluttering forward. To coin a somewhat corny and unoriginal phrase, your sister will be the ‘wind beneath your wings’.

    Liked by 3 people

  9. Maria L

    Sorry…again…just rewatched it..my god. Flooded with emotion, the way he devours the microphone. ..and then the legendary fucking key change and. ..here he goes again!
    This may be, for me, and for the love and affection I have for you, YOUR MOST PERFECT POST EVER

    *Immense, heart ripping sigh filled with love and emotion ❤

    Liked by 2 people

  10. I’m sorry for your loss , i can imagine how you feel , memories are often hard to coop with , it’s even more sad than being in front of the grave itself.
    As we say “to God we belong, and to God we’ll return”. You have my most sincere sympathies Mel.

    Now I understand the blue butterfly , i always wondered why .
    Thank you for sharing dear

    Liked by 2 people

  11. Maria L

    Oh my god. .I’ve been nervous and scared of this post coming. I’m sorry that I’m also crying with you. It’s an inexplicable feeling of empathy and love I have for you right now. I am sorry for something that is nothing to do with me and everything to do with your heart and soul.
    I don’t want to say things that I have no business saying but …She’d be so proud of you and how wonderful and warm and talented and funny and caring and loving you are, I’m sure, in no small part , thanks to her.

    You’re beautiful and loved

    This song, on a selfish note, brought back a flood of memories from a paradigm shifting part of my life. Hurts but hurts so good.

    I’m sorry if my comment wasn’t enough .
    You’re brilliant and incandescent and I love you

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Just wanted to say that she speaks to me that way sometimes. I’ll do something or I’ll not be able to and then all of a sudden thoughts of her flood my brain. I’ll cry a lot… then clarity. I know it’s her.

      Thank you for your love! I think she would be your age right now. And she had black curls so thick you would be surprised. 😉 Funny how life works.

      Love you!

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Yep… love seems to bring her back in mysterious and wonderful ways.

        My brain knows better than me sometimes…

        Love you soooooo much. Age had dark thoughts like you do sometimes. 😐 powerful stuff this universe.

        Liked by 2 people

      2. Maria L

        I agree.
        Love you.
        So sorry of of I’ve been weird these days.
        Lots of things.
        Appreciate and love you so much. Don’t ever mean to sound horrid or distant
        Tears are hurting me

        Liked by 2 people

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s