100 DoRaM: Day 35 – My guts hurt

What the freak! Day 35… another random post with no remorse! Days of Reflection and Music? Seriously effed up! No structure… no plan… no design… Eh… Who cares!

Yet another re-post… I know. But this is how I feel right now and it’s like… I’ve been working on the novel and… I’m effen tired! So I pick on my blog and here you have exactly how I feel. Progress is… I’m not making much progress this week. Life’s getting in the way. I’m torn between wanting to write new ideas, blogging (which I’m crazy about), reading other worlds (which I’m crazy about), finishing up so I can publish the freaking baby and writing MarJo Book 2. I’m a freaking mess!

Who gives an eff about prompts! I gots to finish this damn baby!

I apologize to those who have suffered through this post once before. F it! I apologize to those who are going to suffer through it for the first time. LOL.

Originally posted on July 31 2017

I can’t seem to get rid of you. The more I pull away the more you draw me back in. You’re sucking the life out of me. The chaos in my guts destroying me minute by minute. You’re eating at my insides and yet… I can’t get rid of you. Every inch, every curve, every single shape of you sucks me right in and I get lost. I get lost in the endless labyrinth pit you’ve turned into. I’ve tried countless times but the more everyone talks, the more I come back to you, waiting to see if I can make a difference. But, touching you seems pointless. You never seem to finish. Caressing you takes too much time. I’m impatient, violent in my affection. Take your time you demand. I can’t. I love you too much and therefore hate you with all my being. I loathe the moment my mind’s eye became fixed on you. You were timid and shy. I took you forcefully, kissed you everywhere, sprinkled you with all the time my life could afford and you… you tortured me. You torture me still.

I can’t seem to let you go. I fear others may judge but that’s not it. It’s because you’re needy. The nourishment you require, specific, detailed. I can’t handle you sometimes. You kill me with your vocabulary, as if you had no education whatsoever, as if… You’re a fake! A farce gone too far and yet you beckon with your language, this need to speak to me in a tone familiar and not. I become like a young child afraid of what it means.  Afraid of not living up to expectation.  Controlling you is completely wasted energy. You have no rein, no steering mechanism. You’re loose and unpredictable. You explode my brain and I am weak at your feat.

I can’t for the life of me seem to let you go. You’ve punched my confidence so deep in the guts, it’s lost its shape almost vanishing. It lingers behind me waiting for who knows what. It’s impossible to lead you anywhere much less have you lead me. I’ve tried. It doesn’t work. You have your own mind and you beat me with it. Still… you’re mine. I have total control as you do me. I have complete authority over you as you do me. I have no more wit than what you yourself have allowed me to carve out. But… you end me. You finish who I am as a person and continue my poem as you please. This is not a game. I’m serious and you laugh. I’m sad and you’re not. You go on as if nothing, as if I mean nothing! Still I have control, some, anyway. I can bend you any way I like. I can attack you from behind and seep into the pages of your body without stopping, without reservation as to the consequence.

Consequence. You’re a disaster and you know it. Only I can fix you. You are dependent on me to take care of you to, to lead you into victory. You have no victory without my hand in it. You are nothing without me. You stare back at me and you laugh out of nervousness because you know I’m right. I am right! You are mine to have, mine to control, mine to abuse, my slave. Yes! I can draw you out in as many ways as I wish. I can issue you a sentence fit for the ugliest of prisoned dictionaries. I hate the way you sound. You are hideous to me and yet so comforting, familiar. I’ve been with you way too long. It’s time to move on! I can’t seem to quit you. But I want to leave you be and let life deal with the consequence of you, the imperfect you, the controversial you.

Reading too many articles and other such rhetoric regarding perfecting the art of writing a novel and/or creating any such work. The consequence being… I’m not done with Some Kind of Heaven but I aim to be done, at some point complete this work that has me so unglued like a lover does his nymph. I just need to be more courteous with my time or I will regret it dearly. I know it. I hope in the end someone, a single person, will have enjoyed it. I think I might have grown to hate it by then. I’m tormented with the inside of my thoughts, their significance in my life. I’m not stressed but frustrated with wanting to let it go and not. Perfection. There is no such thing. I’m no writer. I’m just a story-teller, a poet without poetry because M.A.T.L. Book 1 took its place when it came to life in my head. I’ve got to suck it up. I’ve got to swallow an proceed but… my guts hurt.

© 2017 Mel Gutiér

Because I’m so sexy… you get two songs today. Two videos!

I love Awolnation and they got me through today after yesterdays cathartic chaos.  I just felt like screaming and dancing violently banging my head today and not talking much.

(Novus… you won’t like it.  Don’t listen.  Hugs!)

You all mean a lot to me and I don’t want anyone feeling sad for a long time.  Life’s too short.  I’m good… memories swim in me but they don’t control me.  They strengthen and encourage me.

How about some crooning, caressing of those lovely ears! (*smiles like a vixen*)More like beating up your freakin soul to bliss!  Feel free to scream and jump and beat the head up a little or do whatever makes you feel good! (*winks* *blows kiss*)

(I find Aaron Bruno so delicious dancing to Hollow Moon. Yum!  The second video is sexy and funny.  Gosh!  Sail gets me on so many levels!  Dying of pure pleasure at the sound!  Just love that song!)

Love y’all.

Thank you so much for reading and listening.

 

 

 

38 thoughts on “100 DoRaM: Day 35 – My guts hurt

      1. Muuuuaaaaahhh! I am. I woke up at 4AM to work on it! Plus… I’m a better writer now than when I started it and it needs work. This ain’t no Little Fears! LOL. I’ve chunks of texts looking up at me with crap. I gotta change shitty diapers on this baby!

        Like

  1. What you’re talking about… Is it a puppy? A quilt you’re making? A nice dinner? Wait, I know… You’re changing the oil!
    You have personified writing in ways I couldn’t have imagined. I wish you luck and strength. Not strength. Where did that come from. Words aren’t heavy, except metaphorically.
    Morning!

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s