Welcome my lovelies! I am trying very hard to hold on to the pieces that remain in tact in me right now. There is a whole lot of life happening. Lots. I am finding solace in journaling, organizing this blog thing and I felt I needed to do as many prompts as possible to kind of break the mold that is me. I am fortunate that I have had friends help me get through this weird phobia of prompts. While the thought exploded in my head, I was having a conversation with a new friend. I thought it a good idea to have her give me one.
She did. She… her name is She. LOL! The lovely She loves to play with the meaning, form and context of language. That, I believe, is what makes her writing so enchanting. She is a charming and witty young lady. Her door is alarmed but don’t be afraid… she’s quite unique and intriguing. You’ll be hooked.
Her prompt: rock solid. I did have to let that simmer for a few days, but then tonight…
It wasn’t supposed to be this way. We were supposed to go together. You’ve gone and left me now. I’m alone and these people are getting on my nerves. I’m suffocating without you Catherine. Like there is nothing left in me. I have nothing. The kids… I’m no good to them. I won’t be able to cut the crust off Michael’s sandwich like you could. Harriet’s wedding? What am I to do when that day comes? I won’t be able to do her makeup. You’re supposed to be here now. Dammit! Hand on my shoulder.
“Henry. I’m so sorry my dear.”
I’m numb. She’s sorry for what? What good does that do? What? I’m supposed to respond? What do I say… what?
“It’s okay Henry. I just want you to know that I’m here if you need anything. I can stay as long as you need. You don’t have to say anything. I’ll just go see to the children. You let me know if you need anything.”
My sister is sweet. Why do I have the urge to slap her? I feel… Catherine… I love you darling. I miss you. I miss you so much. Can you hear me if I whisper?
“I miss you.”
I’m closing my eyes. Can you see me Catherine? Can you feel me wherever you are? I hope to God there is a Heaven. You deserve nothing less. Oh God! You’re so loud in me and you’re so far away. I can’t do this without you. You hear me? Can you hear my thoughts? Can you feel my heart beating fast for you? Can you feel my soul aching without you? I’m no good. Without you… I’m nothing. I need you to come back to me somehow. Please. I’m begging you! If there is a God… come back. Bring her back. Oh God!
“Daddy! Michael won’t give me my dolly back. Are you crying Daddy?”
“No sweetheart. I’m just…”
“Auntie Laura says it’s okay to cry. I miss Mommy too.”
Oh God! Her little face. She looks like you Catherine. She has your eyes.
“I know you do. Come here. We’ll be together. We’re still a family. You, Michael, and me. Mommy will always be a part of us.”
“I know. She said so.”
“Mommy told you that at the hospital?”
“No. Just a while ago.”
“Here… she left this in my music box. I can give it to you now. She told me to wait until she was gone to give it to you.”
Harriet is only eight. I’m in awe… First I thought she meant… Catherine! My beautiful, intelligent, thoughtful wife.
“Harriet… she gave this to you? When?”
“The day you had to take her to the hospital for her surgery. She said if she didn’t come back to read this and then give it to you. I didn’t open it until yesterday.”
I feel a comfort come over me. Catherine… I love you. You’re smiling at me through Harriet. You, comforting me? I love you.
“Go on with your Aunt Laura.”
“Read it Daddy. It’s good.”
She makes me smile though my heart is breaking. She didn’t leave me a letter but then… she knew…
My dearest Henry,
If you are reading this, the cancer has beaten me down and won. It was my time I suppose. Your time is not yet my love. You have more to do, to be, to share. I love you so much. I believe in you. I’m not worried at all. I know you got this. You are so much stronger than you give yourself credit for. You are. Don’t doubt the strength within you. I know you. You’re my rock. You’re the foundation of our family. I know the days ahead will be difficult, but you are capable of so much love. That is your strength my dearest. You have my love, always. It will never leave you, even after I’m gone. Please know that you have given me everything I’ve ever wanted. You’ve made me so happy, till the very end. Don’t ever doubt how much I felt you love me. I did. I felt your love and feel it still.
I gave little Harriet the letter because she’s very much like you Henry. She’s strong and patient. She’s the advocate for the weak and impatient. Michael is like me and she is like you. She loves and loves deeply. Michael is accepting of love and finds strength in it. Together… two pieces of a puzzle, fitting together perfectly. They will help you keep the pieces together. Hold on to me through them. I haven’t gone forever. I believe we’ll be together again. I promise. Have I ever let you down? All these years of our lives together. Raising our children. Overcoming everything, together. I will be with you always. You’re my rock, you’ve always been my rock. I’ve been accepting of you, your love, your strength. That is the strength that nourished me. No worries my love. I’m holding your hand, just as you did me these last two years. Always… always.
Don’t say no to help. Please, let Laura in. She means well, and she loves you. Give her a chance. That is all my darling. Be you. That is all and… remember me in the sunset.
It’s all I can do from falling apart. This is just like you my love. You go on and fix everything. You think of everyone and everything. I’m your rock? Oh my darling… I fear, without you, I may be slowly… eroding.
© 2018 Mel Gutiér