Hmm… my mind lingers in the sweetness of yesterday. It happens to me often. I decided that it’s okay if I do that. It’s okay if my mind wanders there. It’s what I do. I dream awake and fly away, far away. There are things… feelings… emotions. I can’t help it. I’m an ocean, with foamy thoughts. I’m a tempest of imagination exploding, fixed on the impossible, wishing it possible. Sometimes I don’t make any sense but neither does life. I follow its messed-up trail, tangling myself in chains clasped in a fate I do not want. I’m like a pawn that someone else is playing. Checkmate… you lose. I lose. It’s unfair but I created this abyss where time passes, and I remain in the belly of its music. It leaves me a broken thing, a remnant, a leftover, an afterthought. I fashion myself like the fiction in my head, a realistic, unreality suffocating me in the silence of a space that shouldn’t hurt. But it does, it does. I’m thinking I won’t thrive but just survive. Surviving is a much more interesting, more intricate journey. I’ve no intention of changing. It’s the way of my head and my heart.
My heart. It doesn’t belong to me. It’s gone far away, sailing into the storm of melancholy. It feels like I’ll never get it back. The strings that pull it are too strong. It has a bond with something greater than my will. I want to give in so much and let it take me too. This feeling isn’t normal and so my breath is labored with an ache, a constant lump in my throat. I’m pumping blood that feels out of place in a hearth of missing pieces. It is not cozy, tender, loving, funny or anything that feels good, soothing, lovely and warm. I’ve tried fixing it up, using my head as the hammer and nail. It won’t come together, looks crooked, feels jagged. I’m stuck in the complication of it. It’s got my feet deep in the mud of it. Everything is out of focus with such a loud blur trapping me its web. I’m lost, lost in a fog of longing, stringing a heartache that shakes me because… I miss you.
Without you, there is an empty space that crowds my breath. My chest tightens because it’s a void that can only be filled by your blues, a deepest clear lagoon of softness smiling back at me, soothing my broken bits, healing the cracks of my heart. You took me in out of the dark, igniting kisses that were only for you. If I gave my heart too quickly and took yours too strongly, it’s because you got me like no one else ever has. You unpuzzled my puzzle with such ease and when the mechanisms driving my core came undone, you knew how to put them back into place so you could displace them again, leaving me breathless. I lost myself gladly in you. You held my skies in place and laced them with bliss. You saved me from my insanity yet drove me insane with want. My arguments against it were constantly shut down by your stubbly tenderness, your kindness, your way with me. You had me so good and I let you. I wanted it, wanted you. You were my mechanic of love, my engineer of delightful senseless abandon. I’m glad for it. You added rich texture to my tapestry and sewed the seam that kept me whole. I swell in the memory of an “us” that didn’t belong and hope with the yearning of dream where that “us” might come true.
©2019 Mel Gutiér