I’m trying

I’m trying to do my part to continue in the abyss of what’s happening, what’s causing panic and uncertainty. I move one foot in front of the other and hope I don’t trip on my own heart racing. I despair upon hearing the news, I breathe in and out and go… on. I  just go on, continue. I’m not being broken but am being caused to pause and reflect, and… I don’t like this feeling of chaos and happiness all at once. I don’t like that I can be happy while others are so sad and suffering. I feel guilty for smiling. It spreads like an ashen wild fire but I see the light. Is that okay? It is okay to feel positive, to feel that things will be alright?

It won’t be the same ever again. I wont get frowns for not talking to you straight to your face, for turning the other way to avoid getting spit upon by your dialogue. You won’t mind if I wait for you to go in a sore aisle first, wait for you to leave that aisle so I can feel safe from the invisible. It won’t hurt your feelings right? If I don’t say hi, it won’t affect you, that I wasn’t friendly, that I was short and abrupt? You’ll appreciate my silence, my quick glance and back to my feet so you won’t notice I’m about to sneeze.  Allergies, you know. You don’t know? Oh. Sigh…

I need to make an amazon return at this UPS store. Oh… I need to go first. I get it. It’s a small space so you’ll wait in the car until I go in and take care of what I need. Thank you. Just let me put my gloves on and remove the plastic off from the Amazon plastic wrapping. Won’t take me long. Oh. The attendant is not wearing gloves or a mask. He’s looking at me funny for wearing mine. Why, it’s the norm now. They’re in style. Scan, stay away, take, process, Amazon return. Open door, clime into car, sanitize phone, remove gloves sanitize hands, sanitize, sanitize… sanitize… sanitize… Watch man go in after me. Sigh…

©2020 Mel Gutiér

The song came on, hit the writing juices just right, and then these feelings, actual events, slipped out. Please forgive me if I don’t translate it fully. It’s fitting, however. Bit of melancholy positivism. Things will happen and disappear but it’s okay “The wind will carry us” it says, ironically.

Stay healthy and safe my lovelies!  Much love and respect.

Hugs! Mel

4 thoughts on “I’m trying

  1. Hi Mel… yeah.. this isolation thing s very tiring on the old system, but I’m coping ok… I’m forever sleepy… I’ve done my exercise bike pedal (10mins) and my stretch and balance exercises (20mins), and now I have to go out to buy supplies….and your music is a good get-up-and-go tune for me… 💙🌏

    Liked by 1 person

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